Shattered Roots

Hiking with the group, Silver Star, Washington

            “I wish you weren’t working next weekend; I want to go hiking with you.” I said to my partner David as we drove home from skiing on a Sunday evening. Driving through the half-snow-covered mountains of Mt. Hood, I could see the pull offs and trailhead marker signs, some littered with people getting done with their day hike, taking crampons and micro spikes off in their trunk and dogs happily jumping around the parking area.

            “Just go hun.” David said. Clearly, he has more confidence in me than I often have in myself. “Find a group like on meetup or something, I’m sure there’s something going on this weekend.”

            Funny. The very thought of this made my stomach churn.

            “Yeah, okay” I laughed it off. In my head, this sounds cool and interesting. It’s definitely something that I would even encourage my clients to do and probably have. “Just find an activity or a group, you’ll easily make new friends there.” I would probably say. And here I am being a total hypocrite with little to no self-confidence.

“It makes sense this feels hard — meeting people is awkward for everyone. But especially for me,” I think to myself. I’m a social worker and meet new people and talk to new people every day.  I know I’m awkward, but I’ve embraced that to the point where I just do my thing and try not to care too much about what people think. I’ve hiked a lot in various places in both the East and West coast, so it wasn’t a matter of skill or experience. But joining a group and social activities feel like high-stakes, high-pressure, unknown territory which I do not know how to navigate well.

Making friends at forty, joining a random group of strangers, and having to motivate myself to do something like this on my own makes me want to throw up. I’ve accepted the fact that maybe having new friends just ‘isn’t for me.’ I like my alone time and being an introvert, my batteries are recharged from a day by myself of doing nothing (reading and cleaning) or doing my own type of self-care. David and I are both like that, and enjoy being lone wolves together, sometimes with our own circle of friends, and especially with one another.

However, this is entirely not always healthy for either one of us. And there are times he isn’t around or I want to hike when he wants to climb. We have other friends besides each other and the kids, and this was one of the few random weekends where we were all on our own to do our own things. And while I’m a big fan of personal growth and pushing my own boundaries, I’m not so great at it when it comes to being an extrovert, doing social things, or putting myself out there.

I thought about this ‘hiking with a group’ thing throughout the week. I’ve never hiked with only people I didn’t know, or at least didn’t know one person. I looked up a few hikes in our guidebooks and online. I thought about going into the woods solo or perhaps just running up one of my favorite trails near the city. In my doomscrolling free time, I came across a group called, “Women Who Explore in the PNW.” I hit the request to join then immediately forgot about it for a couple of days.

Here I am on Friday afternoon. I was waiting for my client for an appointment and it was a beautiful somehow warm, winter day in Portland. I open Facebook and see a post from the Women who Explore page. A woman named Karen wrote that she was planning to hike on Saturday and would anyone care to join her? It was short and sweet, and she posted the name of the hike and a link to it on All Trails.

‘Okay, seven miles, and about an hour drive, not bad.’ I thought. ‘Let me check the weather and talk myself out of it.’ I did just that. These unseasonably warm days after freezing temps at night have been strange, but the forecast called for 45 degrees by noon. ‘they are probably going super early, I hate getting up early.’ I thought next. ‘And they are probably all better/faster/stronger hikers than me, I’ll likely slow them down.’

Nope. None of this was true. Most of the women wanted a later start around 9:30. There was a few people who acknowledged they were interested. One said she had a hip surgery and would the group be taking it slow? I’m not going to lie, I did creep on their pages a little bit. They all looked like kind, sweet ladies who also enjoy the outdoors. They did not know each other either. Just like me. What did I have to lose?

‘I’m interested!’ I wrote. YIKES! Then I immediately texted David.

‘Okay, I might do a group hike tomorrow. Wish me luck, ha ha!’

David texted back, ‘that’s nice Hun, where are you going?’

I sent him the link to the trail. ‘Cool.’ He replied. (Always so chill, so not fair. How does his brain have zero anxiety and I have extra?). ‘You should see if anyone wants to carpool from Portland.’

What the hell is he talking about?! You want me to meet up with people AND sit in a car with them. And CHAT!?  Let’s take this one step at a time!

Maybe he does have a point, I agonized over the next hour. ‘Actually, if someone picks me up, or meets me somewhere, then I have less time to worry about not getting lost on the way there, and I’ll HAVE to make myself go because there is a plan!’ Does anyone else’s ADHD brain work like this? Do you have to trick yourself into doing things that you want to do, but don’t really WANT to do, but try to do them anyway?

“Anyone want to carpool from NE Portland?” I wrote on the post. Bam. Done. I felt good about this, as if I was trying to make it easy on myself.

An hour later, I heard a ping from my phone and checked my messages. A woman named Stefanie wrote to me and asked if I would be willing to pick her up, as she also wanted to hike but was without a car. She stated that she was also in NE Portland.

Whoopsies. When I was thinking ‘carpool’ I was actually hoping someone else would drive, and I could assume my role as the passenger princess. My anxious introverted self does not love driving, especially with other people. That is a lot of extra pressure to do something and be responsible, while also being social, while also being anxious. Whew.

‘She probably doesn’t live near me or isn’t on the way,’ I again, try to talk myself out of things. But something came over me (excitement) and I asked anyway.

‘I’m on 29^th in Concordia.’ She wrote.

I laughed out loud. She’s even in my neighborhood! There’s no way I can back out now.

“Absolutely.” I write back with some newfound confidence. We chatted some more and made a plan that I would pick her up at 8 am. Again, now I doubly can’t back out, I have a responsibility to get here there too! But again, I was still anxious.

That night, I checked my gear over and over. Packed and re-packed my bag. Downloaded the offline maps, cleaned out my car, and made sure that I planned everything to a T so the morning and the hike would be smooth, and I would have less to worry about in the morning. Going to the gym is my coping skill, so I did that too. Less time to worry and I’m moving my body in a positive way. I feel asleep fast, and 6 am came quickly.

I woke up the next morning feeling dizzy. But I could not let Stefanie down, if I didn’t go, that meant she probably couldn’t go at all! I drank some water and ate my usual yogurt and granola. Even though I was pre-packed and pretty much ready, I gave myself two hours to be anxious in the morning, which flew by.

‘Don’t be too awkward, Hun!’ David texted me. ‘Be safe and have fun!’

Driving the five minutes to Stephanie’s house, I felt calm. She waited outside for me, and was immediate so nice and friendly, all my nerves went away while driving. We chatted, and snacked, and met up with Julie on the way, who asked to follow us so she wouldn’t get lost. The hour drive flew by. We met Karen at the trailhead, and everyone immediately felt like old friends getting together for a fun day of being in the woods.

After the regular ‘get to know you’ questions, we had great conversations about our families, hobbies, goals, fun plans, and other passions. We had a great lunch at the summit in the warm air and stopped to snack and rest whenever someone needed to eat or shed a layer. We exchanged numbers and photos. We laughed, encouraged each other, and celebrated how grateful we were for the beautiful day. At the end of the hike, we all hugged and agreed to meet up again. Stefanie and I made the trek back to Portland together and made a plan to meet up at a trail we both knew about the following weekend.

The main point of this story is that you don’t have to be a social butterfly — you just have to stay curious about people. I went home exhausted from hiking and, probably more so, from the social activity (even when it’s rewarding, socializing as an introvert can be especially draining). We’re wired differently: our less reactive dopamine systems tend to seek meaning and connection rather than chasing constant rewards. And while it’s uncomfortable to be uncomfortable, that feeling doesn’t last forever. Making friends as an adult is weirdly hard, so the best advice I can give is to be kind to yourself. Those of us with tricky brains aren’t broken for feeling lonely.

So get out there, and do your thing!

January 2026

-Laura